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Since things are slow again... BZL--The Merchandise! Thursday, 20-Jan-2000 11:19:56
The assorted denizens of the BZL, especially the veterans, exchanged knowing glances. Baron Zemo had summoned them all here, Legionnaire, Scourger, and unaffiliated alike. This only happened under the most dire circumstances. Whatever news he had to impart, chances were that it wasn’t good. The door opened and the Baron finally made his entrance, taking a seat at the head of the conference table. “Thank you all for coming…” he began. “Save it.” Jarvis snapped. “What’s the deal?” Zemo turned to look at him. “Marketing” he stated bluntly. “I believe that we’re sitting on an untapped gold mine.” “You’re mixing your metaphors, dear” Cheryl pointed out. “I’m sure we all have other places to be, so perhaps we can get to the point?” “Ummmm… actually…” Visionary chimed in, “I’m really in no hurry to get back to that cornfield story…” “Really” spiffy agreed. “I’ve found that pushing up dirt ain’t as much fun as HV suggested it would be.” “In any event…” Lisa cut them off, “we’d *still* like to know why we’re all here. How about we pipe down and let Purply tell us?” Zemo shot her a glare for the nickname, then cleared his throat. “As I said, I believe the Lair has remarkable merchandising potential. As such, I’ve just inked a deal with several manufacturers.” “Well, bully for you.” DarkHwk yawned. “What’s that have to do with us?” The veterans, however, groaned. “Aw crap… who’d you sign us away to this time?” Jarvis asked, holding his head in his hands. “I’ll turn that question over to Bob, the BZL’s new Executive in Charge of Marketing.” Zemo said, gesturing towards the door. “Howdy folks! Beautiful day, isn’t it?” asked Bob as he swept into the room. “Now, let me just say it’s a thrill to see so many familiar faces, as well as a bundle of new ones!” “Hey!” Banjooo exclaimed, nudging Visionary, “Isn’t that ‘Bob the chipper torturer’? The one Lisa introduced to the Parodyverse?” Visionary squinted at the man. “Um… I don’t know” he finally admitted. “She never wrote me into that story-line. He *does* look awful chipper, though…” “Glad to see you remember me!” Bob said enthusiastically. “After spending so much time in Parodyverse Limbo, it’s great to be back!” “Um… was there a lot of corn there?” Visionary asked. “I mean… more than you’d expect?” “Never-mind that!” The Grim Reaper grumbled. “Let’s get to the point… I’ve got a quiche in the oven!” They paused to look to him. “What?” he asked defensively. “I’ve got to eat, you know… It’s a pretty dastardly quiche, I assure you.” “Right-O!” Bob broke in. “Let me just tell you that I think you’ll be pleased with some of the ideas the boys in marketing have come up with…” “Hey, Bob…” Lisa asked him while he opened his sample case, “what happened to the torturing biz?” “I felt I needed a new challenge, and the personal discomfort industry is in a bit of a recession.” Bob responded honestly. “Although I still do an occasional job!” He handed her a business card. “Remember me for your next party!” He looked around the table. “Okay, I want you to think two little words… Action Figures!!!” NTU, who was slumping in his seat, suddenly grew interested. “Really? Action Figures? That could be cool…” “Exactly what our focus group of boys (ages 7-13), thought!” Bob exclaimed enthusiastically. “We shopped the concept around to several different toy companies…” “Who’d you go with?” Falcon asked, more lucid than usual. “Toy Biz? McFarlane? Kenner?” “Well, Toy Biz wasn’t really interested, unless, of course, you secretly happen to be professional wrestlers…” “What if we’re willing to learn?” Shifter asked intently. “And apparently, Todd McFarlane is under the impression that you’ve named some disease after him…” “Hmph!” Chronicler snorted. “…baby.” “Kenner didn’t think a web page was quite enough exposure to support a toy line, although we might check back with them if we can get a movie deal set up… They said Schumacher was looking for another project.” “Let’s pretend we never heard that…” Finny said quickly as Shaper of Worlds moved to calm Chronicler. “So who did we go with?” Magnetic Techbird asked curiously. Bob looked at some notes. “Wayne-Right toys!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Once they’re out of litigation, they begin full scale production!” “Um… litigation?” Lisa prodded. “An unrelated matter, I assure you…” Bob said hurriedly, “So… who wants to see some prototypes!” “Really!?” NTU asked as Tina rolled her eyes, “Yes, definitely!” With a flourish, Bob unveiled four chunks of plastic in vaguely human shape. “May I present, ‘The BZL, assortment one…ages 5 and up!” Zebulon snorted. “I know reindeer who could do a better sculpt than this” he stated, holding up on of the figures. “The Big Guy would fire the ass of any elf who turned out a sorry hunk o’ crap like this…” “Ummm…” Hatman said, turning another figure around in his hands, “Who is this supposed to be, anyway?” “That’s ‘Arctic Commando’ Yo!” Bob said. “He comes with a snowmobile, a missile launcher and twin uzi machine guns. What do you think?” Yo was frowning. “Is not cute.” He said unhappily. “Not cute at all.” “Please tell me that this guy with the diamond on his chest is Hatman…” Visionary pleaded. Bob looked at his notes. “No… that’s ‘SeaStrike Visionary” Cheryl looked over her husband’s shoulder. “What’s with this grimace on his face?” she asked. “He looks constipated.” “There’s one action feature I don’t want to see” Moo noted. “Actually…” Bob corrected himself, “That’s *talking* SeaStrike Visionary! They’re doing remarkable things with microchips now-a-days! Press the button on his back!” The Legionnaire did as he was told. “Math is hard!” Talking SeaStrike Visionary declared cheerfully. “Uh… That’s just the mock-up” Bob assured them quickly. “The actual prototype will say something much more appropriate, like... "A manta-ray is attacking my foot!” or “I’m SeaStrike Visionary, dammit!” “Okay, so which one of these is a Jarvis figure?” The former League and Legion leader asked. “Actually, the Jarvis prototype tested very poorly with focus groups” the ex-torturer explained. “It seems his action accessories, the vacuum-cleaner, the mop and the bottle of Windex, just weren’t the kind of things young boys like to play with… On the bright side, Mattel has expressed some interest in offering a Butler for its Barbie line! We think you have a pretty good chance at that one!” “Congratulations!” HV roared with laughter. “Maybe they’ll build you a servant’s quarters to attach to the Malibu dream house! Hope you like pink!” Jarvis just sat back and scowled. “I didn’t have to take this kind of crap when I was in charge.” He muttered. “Hey, this one is actually pretty cool!” NTU said, holding up a small armored figure. “Is this me?” “Yes!” Bob said, delighted. “Walking Volcanic-Adventure NTU-150! Of course, that figure won’t actually see production. Not after… the incident.” “Incident?” Tina asked with an amused look in her eye. “We’re still not sure how it happened…” Bob said, confused. “Somehow the motors that power his walking action went haywire and, well… he started eating children’s hair. It was the damnedest thing I ever saw.” Pegasus laughed. “Well, they finally got one of you faithfully reproduced to scale! In spirit, if nothing else!” “I wouldn’t have been so bad if the child hadn’t been wearing hair-spray” Bob noted. “In any event, the sparking ‘Volcanic-Adventure’ action just make things a total disaster. Maybe we should move on to other toy areas…” “Oh!” Visionary declared scribbling on a piece of paper. “I had an idea…” He held up his drawing of a simple circle. They just looked at him. “You know…” he prodded, “… for kids!” “It’s been done, Dear.” Cheryl said to him. “Yes… well…” Bob pulled a plush doll out of his case. “We have very high hopes for the ‘Tickle-Me Donar’!” He threw the doll on the table where it promptly exclaimed “Verily, that doth tickle most vexingly!” as it jiggled and emitted the sort of buzzing sound that often could be heard coming from Lisa’s nightstand drawer. They turned to look at god-boy, who was chewing his lip thoughtfully. Without a word, he pulled out his enchanted bat-with-a-nail-in-it and literally beat the stuffing out of the wiggling little him. “Th-h-h-hat-t-t Ti-ti-tic-c-c-ckles….*” it moaned as it died. “Verily” Donar said to the pile of pulped polyester. “Thou didst suck most vexingly.” “Yes… well…” Bob said again, plucking some stray bits of ‘Tickle-Me Donar’ anatomy out of his hair. “We still have my all-time, personal favorite!!!” He reached into his sample case and withdrew something small, green and fuzzy. “Is that the thing from the back of the refrigerator?” Cobra asked warily, scooting her chair back. “I’m pretty sure I’ve seen it flinch when the light comes on…” “You people are all very odd” Pierson’s Porter stated, just to get a line in the story. “Don’t leave us all in suspense…” Starseed sighed wearily. “What the hell is it?” “Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce you to what we hope will be a top selling mail order item….” He paused dramatically, “Chia-spiffy!!!!! The Legionnaire that grows!!!” Silence fell across the room. “You never *really* left the torture biz…” noted Lisa wryly, “Did ya, Bob?” Visionary |
| Since things are slow again... BZL--The Merchandise! (Visionary) (20-Jan-2000 11:19:56) |
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